M.A.S.H.

Sorry for the depressing last post y’all, let’s move on to a different type of depression: war. Specifically, the war displayed in my new favorite show: MASH. MASH is a criticism of the Vietnam War (quite obvious despite the general ban on war criticism at the time) and follows a Mobile Army Service Hospital (M.A.S.H.) and their surgeons during the Korean War. The show ran for 11 years and follows the declining mental health (and sobriety) of Captain Dr. Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce as he deals with the reality of war and the lives and hardships of the soldiers and Korean civilians he operates on.

Hawkeye is probably the character I can relate most to and have the most similar humor to even though I’m not nearly as outgoing. Here are a selection of my favorite Hawkeye quotes:

“War isn’t Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse….There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them – little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.”
“I didn’t hear you say that. Because it isn’t possible. It’s inhuman to serve the same food, day after day. The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds! I simply cannot eat the same food every day! Fish! Liver! Day after day! I’ve eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I’ve eaten so much fish, I’m ready to grow gills! I’ve eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I’m smothered in bacon and onions!” (click on quote to see one of the best crashout scenes I’ve ever seen)
“(to a nurse) I’m donating my shoulder to the wheel, my nose to the grindstone, and my ear to the ground, but I only have eyes for you.”
“All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. transplant the American Dream. Freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension.”
“Dear Harry [Truman], who’s responsible? Sign that, ‘Affectionately, A Dissatisfied Customer.’”
“Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.”

Best Trapper Quotes-

Is asked a question by (I believe) Major Frank Burns “How should I know? I dropped out of school to become a doctor.”
“Quiet will you? The man is trying to be dull. Go ahead, Frank, dull away.”
“I don’t have a hanky, and I left my panky in my other suit.”
“What can they do to us? We’re already at the front. Put us in front of the front?”
“The combination of malpractice and flop sweat makes it hard for him to see.”
To Klinger (constantly crossdressing as a woman to try to get out of the war), who’s about to get ready for a party “Tell me what you’re wearing so we don’t clash.”
“Well, it’s the money that counts, not the thought.”
“My wife still thinks I got sent to Korea as part of some secret plot to cheat on her.” “Didn’t you?” “Yeah, but how did she figure it out?”

Trapper has so many amazing ones but not many that are easy one liners…I miss him but am loving the new additions to the 407th. There will surely be more quotes to come because I’m only on season 4 so I’ll keep you updated. My other favorite characters are Trapper, Radar, and Henry Blake (sobs) even though I also love the new members added in season 4. Highly recommend the show and will gladly rant with you about it for hours if you give me the time.

Major “Hot Lips” Houlihan isn’t my favorite character but she deserves some rest from Major Burns….#freemajorhoulihan

Also, I fear I may need to purchase these immediately….